your parents love me but you hate me
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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