Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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