I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
only you would photoshop your dick
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
