he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
