I don't usually arrange sex via text message
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
