took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
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Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
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I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
there is glitter all over my balls
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