You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
