I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
