You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
