what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
