This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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