My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
