everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
last night I used snow as a chaser
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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