This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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