Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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