I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
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I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
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We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
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