Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
