3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
