i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
