i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
