oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
