So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
