did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
