Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
