I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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