Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
