I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
