I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
The best revenge is premature balding
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"