my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
