I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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