if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
