I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
