I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
