they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
