I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
