Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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