He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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