Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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