Don't make out with my wife yet
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I am available for nakedness
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
