maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
