Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
