I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
