You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
