Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
