if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
