The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
