8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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