I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
