I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
