I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
