I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
